My problem is an unsaved wife

Dear Joel and Kathy.

Our church gave out your books as Christmas presents…

I’ve read it and am reading it again. My problem is an unsaved wife (I was backslid when we married twenty-four years ago , then came back to the Lord last year). . Don’t think that topic is addressed is in the book. It definitely has taken a lot out of our marriage and life together..


Huntingburg, Indiana


Hi Bryan,

You would have to give us more specifics. Your bottom line though is the same that faces wives of unsaved husbands.. and that is that 1 Peter admonition for a Christian who is married to an unsaved spouse to win them without a word, by their lifestyle.

For Christian women, this is a most difficult position to be in. It should not be as hard for you, though you will want a lot of prayer support. Peter wrote that verse, not as a recipe for a happy marriage but as a way for a saved husband or wife to get their unsaved husband or wife saved. After they are saved, the rest of the marriage can be worked on.

If you will treat her as Christ would treat her in every way, she will not only open up to you, but she will end up getting saved.

As a starting point, just take the attitude that any marriage problems that you have are your fault, in one way or another. This is the right attitude to start with, so that you can seek for ways that you can do things differently to make things more smooth. Remember, insanity does the same things over and over, expecting different results. For example, saying to a wife, “Why do you do that?” seldom if ever gets good results!

Here are questions for you to ask her:

1. Have you ever felt pressured by me to act differently to conform to my Christian beliefs?

2. Have you ever felt manipulated by me and felt like I was using my Christianity to justify it?

3. Have you ever felt like my positions as a Christian were just a good excuse to hide tendencies to control you, put you down.

4. Do you ever wonder how I can call myself a Christian and yet be clueless in any way as a husband or dad?

5. If you were to compare me to Christ, in what you know of him, would I fall short in any way?

These questions should help you get to the heart of the matter of why your wife is not saved and why you may be having marriage problems. She is a woman and woman, saved or unsaved, generally know how their husbands are or are not treating them in comparison to how they would like to be treated.

Yes, there are occasions when a non-saved woman is just a wicked woman and there is nothing that anyone can do for them. They are champions of NOW or other various demonic woman’s organizations and they simply hate men. I doubt that this is your wife though.

Glad to hear that your church gave the book out at Christmas! What is the church and what is the Pastor’s name?


Joel Davisson