Dear Joel and Kathy,
Since my last post things have been great. A few bumps here and there but we were able to get through it without dragging it out or causing more damage. It makes a world of difference now that my husband hears my heart and acknowledges the cause of my frustration and anger due to his past actions. Sometimes that old man tries to arise and I have to remind him to hear my heart and not defend himself or give me an excuse and he’ll back down. Well we had a major breakthrough today after alot of attack back and forth. It seems that when he triggers something very hurtful and deep I get ugly, he feels the urge to correct me and tell me to calm down .
I’ve never been like this before because I manage to shove it all in. Anyway when I do my husband puts his guard up and trys to defend himself. Its not often he won’t back down but today was one of those days. Throughout our marriage I was always the one managing our finances and like a wife usually does I always made sure everyone had what they needed and wanted before I would even consider myself which never gave me the opportunity to think of myself and when I did it was out of guilt because we always had needs. When ever my husband wanted something he would either just get it or ask me and no matter what I say “we have no money or there is a specific need we need to take care so we can’t do it” he always managed to pressure me into agreeing to letting him get whatever he was wanting without any say so.
I didn’t believe I had the power to say no anyway so I didn’t. Well back to today. We got ourselves in a bind financially and I tell him he keeps spending no matter what I say and I refuse to be his mommy and continue to control his spending. I need him to think for himself in reguards to our finances he can’t have what he wants all the time. We went back and forth, if I stop telling him about his spending that I was hurting the family I couldn’t believe he threw it back on me.
It continued and finally he admits that he couldn’t understand where we were at financially because it wasn’t clicking. I know he has a problem with math but he never was honest with me and told me he needed me to break it down, help him understand. He truly cares about the family and making sure we stay debt free and have what we need. Now that I understand why he couldn’t get it,
I was able to come up with a visual plan so he can see where we are financially everyday and if he still continued then he is in trouble but I believe with his sincerity that this plan will really help him and he will make serious changes and help me carry less of the burden of being the one over the finances. Having him by my side takes a huge load off my shoulders. We made it through this. It might not seem like a big deal to others but trust me it was rough for us.
If our husbands would kill their pride and communicate with their wives alot of pain and frustration would be avoided. It took him hearing my heart and enduring the ugliness that had to come out for my healing for us to get over this bump but thank God we did it, in one day
I can’t imagine having to go thru this without the understanding and freedom I have now to be the help-meet God designed me to be for the rest of our marriage and endure more pain and frustration. No more, who the Son sets free is free indeed.
Celia of Celia and Tito