I hope that it is OK for me to share an issue that had come up between me and my sweet hubby. Although my husband had been calling me gorgeous, beautiful, luscious, pretty, etc., it fell on deaf ears. He was often frustrated and puzzled at my rejection of his compliments. I shared with him that he always gave me compliments with a silent disclaimer. I was gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough, I was pretty, but not pretty enough, I was sexy, but not sexy enough. He always had this playboy standard and image in his mind that I knew he had and that I could not and would not ever measure up to.
I told him that I needed to be good enough. I needed for him to be fully and completely devoted to me as I am right now. I can’t be perfect. I am a woman in my 40’s with 12 children. I want to be his special treasure. This convicted my husband. He did not deny that he had been doing that to me and placing that kind of pressure on me.
Now when he compliments me I have been accepting them because I know that he has made a committment to give them with “no disclaimer”. Praise God!
Sent: Friday, August 18, 2006 8:15 AM
Subject: Question for Bess
Question from a (worried) husband!
How did she know this?
Was this because of the way he said it? or how frequent just woman’s intuition ?
I think we are all guilty of some form of silent ad ons and our wives are very perceptive, more than we give them credit for.
I am concerned that we are trying to be loving kind considerate and listening to where the need is but at the same time we are sending out completely an unwanted set of unspokens that our wives pick up on instantly.
Answer from Bess:
This is a loaded question and I have been thinking all morning how to answer. Are you willing to ask your wife when was the very first time that you ever hurt her in this area. I can remember in the very first weeks of our marriage my husband rubbed his hand across my nude belly and said, ” I want this to be flat”. I never forgot those hurtful words. Thus ensued a lifetime project for me to try to achieve a flat tummy (remember I am the mother of 12, interpretation- 12 pregnacies). Do you see a flat tummy in this picture? Has your wife ever found porn in or among your personal belongings? Do you watch t.v. shows or movies with obviously beautiful sexy women? What things might you have said to her over the years that may have implied your disatisfaction with her physical appearance or her sexuality? (If you are truly clueless then ask her and then let her tell you).
A challenge to the men. Jesus warned his disciples that whoever sets his hand to the plow and looks back is not worthy. The apostle James reminds us that a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways and will recieve nothing from the Lord. ( And Norm laughingly says, “and nothing from his wife either!) If you are going to be heading toward this path that Joel and kathy have set before you are you truly prepared to take it all the way to the cross? Your cross. Your death. Don’t make this a game. Your wife will know.